Disclaimer: This story is inspired by Charles Causley's poetry; What Has Happened To Lulu? and Sahira S.'s I Have Found Lulu.
Two days had passed since the last time I read Lulu's book. I would not venture to tote my emotions if reveal the truth myself. I was indeed too petrified. However, the fear did not stop myself from overthinking of Lulu. I was aware that the anxiety would take over my health if I let this go on. Therefore, I decided to make a phone call upon Alice.
"Ali, are you busy?"
"No, I literally have nothing to do. What's up?"
"I'm thinking if you could help me with something. Can you come over my place?"
"On it. I'll be there in five."
As soon as Alice appeared on the scene, I brought her to my room.
"So what's the matter?" Asked Alice with curiosity.
My throat felt like it was sunken by collywobbles and my heartbeat skipped a little. Was this the moment where I acquaint my best friend with my dead sister? I took seconds to pluck up, and eventually told Alice about Lulu whom she did not know the existence of. It was a bolt from the blue to Alice to hear such a dark event. I gave Alice a minute of silence to swallow the story. She then ended the silence herself. "I'm terribly sorry that you went through all this, Lola. You can tell me what ever and I will help you with it," she had a sunless expression on her face.
"Well, could you help read to me the rest of the diary? I don't think I can bare it alone anymore."
"Surely, girl. Hand me the book." I passed the pink diary to Alice. She carefully scanned the surface of the cover, opened the diary, and began reading from where I told her to.
25 July 2009
I'm living at Dean's house for two days already. Before he moved here, Dean lived alone in his old house after his family left him. To be honest, Dean's house is kind of creepy. It looks abandoned for years- probably because he's always too busy working on his part-time job to clean and decorate the house. But it's okay because I'm here! I can do all that for him. It's what girlfriends do, right?
Not to mention, the scarier part is sometimes Dean disappeared and appeared out of nowhere from thin air. It of course freaked me out when I saw him like that and when I asked him about it, he just went silent.
Speaking of which, lately I hear voices telling me to take my own life. Sometimes it was a sweet and soft woman's voice saying; "Lulu, you should kill yourself. I know what's best for you." Some of other times, it was a man's voice screaming at me; "Lulu! Kill yourself... Now! Take the knife! Now!" Every time I heard those voices, I got so terrified till I trembled for half an hour. Lucky me, Dean was there to comfort me. He asked what was wrong. I told him about the voices and he immediately hugged me. I feel so safe every time he's with me. I'm so lucky to have Dean in my life. 27 July 2009 Yesterday, Dean and I enjoyed the breeze on the bench in our front yard. Meanwhile we were listening the chirping birds, Dean led me to a bizarre conversation. At first, he asked me; "Have you ever think of running away from life?" So I asked him; "What do you mean? I already ran away from home. Isn't that enough?" He then said something that forever shocked me. "I know, but lately I'm thinking of suicide,"crazy, right? I didn't answer his thought and there was a silence for an awkward minute. "Do you want to do it with me, Lulu? We can kill ourselves together and live happily ever after in the end," I could see a genuine excitement in Dean's eyes. When I said "Are you crazy, Dean? I don't want to do that!", Dean insisted me by making me think about our pathetic lives. He said; "Come on. It's not like we have reasons to live anymore. You abandoned your family. Mine abandoned me. We don't give a damn about school. What could possibly turn out to be good?" His sentence shut me off and opened my eyes. After all my life, nothing has ever been meaningful to me. Nor anyone is significant but Dean. Maybe his idea is not so bad after all. After being quiet, I said something from my thought and the rest of the conversation went like this: "We can be like Romeo and Juliet, right?" "Yes, sweetie. Do you remember your front porch?" "Of course I remember. It was my house." "We can do it there. We tie our ropes under the roof and show to your mother that we lived happily ever after!" "That's a brilliant idea, baby!" We will wait for the right moment to make it happen. Maybe it's today. Maybe it's tomorrow. Who knows? Teardrops could not seem to stop falling under my soggy eyes. The sentences that transpired from Alice's lips were like an avalanche to me. Each word that I heard decoded all my unsolved memories and dribbled me down drip by drip. I still remembered that morning. I went outside to head to the preschool that I used to go before being a first grade student. To my surprise, I saw Lulu's body hanging on the roof. She wore the white dress mother gave her on her seventeenth birthday for the first time. She was smiling. It was an authentic smile I saw. I called mother; "Mother! Mother! I have found Lulu! She is here!" As soon as mother saw Lulu, she struggled to cut the rope while wailing like a widow as if she was possessed. At that time of age, I was too pure and innocent to figure everything out but I understood it myself as I grew up. Now, I did not have to ask mother what had happened to Lulu anymore because I already knew. Without thinking twice, I swiftly snatched Lulu's book from Alice who was consoling me all along. My feet bailed out of the stairs as they brought me to the coffee table that still existed. Mother was on the settee, staring blankly at the television. I stood in front of her with my red, watery eyes and Lulu's book in my palm. "What happened, Lola? Why are you crying?" Mother turned off the television and changed her view to my face. "I found something." "What?" "This," I flung Lulu's diary on the coffee table aggressively that it resulted to a thumping sound. "What is that?" "It's Lulu's diary, mother. I can't believe what you have done to her!" As I screamed, I could feel my eyes getting warmer and aqueous. "What- What do you mean?" Mother was all bewildered and anxious. "She was hallucinating... Constantly lived in fear. You know what happened to her but never even once thought about helping her?!" At this point, my heart felt like letting it all vent of my chest from the burden I have been weighed. "Don't you dare raise your voice at me!" Mother stood up and her face looked possessed. I could sense her anger like what happened in Lulu's diary. "But you dared to deny and dismiss your own late daughter's mental disorder?" I did not give mother a chance to let her express her anger. This moment was supposed to be mine. "She was an ungrateful child- A disgraced to this family! Unlike you, Lola. You are my sweet, loving daughter. I would never do such things to you." "So you have been treating your daughters accordingly. Is that what you mean?" Mother was completely dumbfounded when my question was aired. She gawked at the floor with the sight of pain. Her eyes told me that her mind came to flashbacks of the past. "Listen. I love you and I always will, mother and I never want to hurt you. But just look at this!" I opened the book on the table. "Lulu was massively hallucinating. Who knows what mental disorder she suffered from? Perhaps Schizophrenia? DID?" I then continued again, "when you had the chance to help her, you told her that she was acting up to get your attention. She killed herself because of her visual boyfriend, mother. You could save her life if you just listened to her! And I also can't believe you lied to me about papa!" It felt free to let it all out. "Well I- I didn't know about such things back then. I thought she was making things up all along," mother was not wrong. Things were different back in that era. Mental illnesses were disregarded and almost invisible to humankind. Besides, in early 1900s, asylum patients were served like heartless beasts- Getting electroshocks to the point they cried, pleaded and wailed, being yelled at by the nurses, and surmised as maniacs by folks. Nevertheless, it was not anyone's fault for their ignorance, and studies and Science rewrote the wrongs. "I know I messed up. I should've been there for my late daughter. I should've told you about her... About papa... About everything. I messed up and I'm terribly sorry," Mother started snivelling as she tucked her hands onto her red nose. If my heart had tears, my skin would have been soused by now. I could not dare to let mother sobbing like that so I embosomed her body tightly in mine. God let us cry in each other's warmth for a jiff- It was not long, but it was a moment where my heart would hold forever. I loved mother regardless what she did. I enjoyed sitting and watching children shouting and running as I listened to the melody tucked in my ears from a device. Watching them reminded me of my childhood which jogged my memory to last week's circumstance; an event that I will never forget. When I analysed it, some things had changed since then. Mother had become more positive and less depressed than usual. Perchance the unbosom freed her from the guilt she cotemplated. Occasionally, I found her browsing the Internet on mental disorders. She would read the articles she clicked very keenly to penetrate them. I smiled a lot when I thought about it. Yesterday, she seated herself next to me and asked me about my well-being with such concern. I found her very sweet and lovely to do that. She also made a promise to visit Lulu's and papa's graves tonight and I had been counting ticks for evening to come. About Casey and Alice, Alice helped me to open up to Casey over what happened. Casey was visibly stunned over the vent but gave me a comforting hug right after. Since then, three of us were more transparent to become emotionally intimate with each other. Life eventually looked up and I was assured my happy ending would come. THE END
Comments