Disclaimer: This story is inspired by Charles Causley's poetry; What Has Happened To Lulu? and Sahira S.'s I Have Found Lulu.
Unlike the other days, I could not afford to pay attention during History that morning. My mind brimed with Lulu and my unknown past that I yet to decode. All my life never perceiving what I was ought to know made me feel deceived. Feeling too staggered, I lifted my hand and asked Mr. Smith's assent to go to the toilet. I quietly shoved Lulu's diary that I brought to school under my pullover. Forasmuch as no soul saw the journal, I continued making my way out of the class to the restroom.
I failed to hold my idiosyncrasy to discover more of the journal and here I was; sitting on the toilet seat, on the verge of opening the book. Without further delay, I continued where I left off.
22nd June 2009
Omg, guess what? No, you have to guess. Wrong!
Dean asked me to be his girlfriend today! No, I'm not kidding. I was so excited that I nearly shouted. It turned out that he's been crushing on me since the first day we met. I mean, it was pretty obvious because he's always sweet and caring towards me unlike everyone else. I just feel completely lucky about it.
This is the first relationship I ever have and I can't wait to spend my whole life with Dean. 30 June 2009 I was thinking of telling mother about Dean so I brought Dean home last weekend. When we saw mother cooking in the kitchen, we quickly rushed to her. With excitement, I introduced Dean to mother. Dean gave mother a wide smile, showing how sociable he is. He then was about to lend his hand to shake mother's until she vaguely screamed at me. To this day, I still remember what she said to me. This is how the conversation went: "What boyfriend are you talking about?" Mother said. So I said, "Dean, mother! This is Dean next to me." "Have you gone mad, Lulu? There is no one next to you," I was completely stunned when she said that. How would she say something like that? What did she mean? After that, she continued again; "What is the matter with you seeing things moving, screaming like an idiot- and now you have an imaginary boyfriend? Get a grip and grow up,Lulu." Remembering the last words really broke my heart. I feel pathetic. Though I wonder why she said things like that. Does Dean really not exist? 5 July 2009 I don't know what's real and what's not anymore. I have been wandering back and forth like crazy because I heard a growling voice last night. It sounded like a wolf fighting for its prey. The voice was so vivid and it felt like it was right next to my ear. So I went outside to see if there was a predator outside my house. But indeed, I found nothing. I felt so vulnerable and intimidated. Like a timorous child, I came to mother to tell her what I heard. Instead of checking the porch, mother stared at my face and said, "You try to gain my attention by saying all these things, Lulu? Don't act like a child with your ridiculous imagination. You're a seventeen year-old girl. Woman up!" I know it's not my imagination. I really heard the growling voice so I was disturbed! In fact, why would I imagine things out of nowhere? But what made me confused is, why didn't mother hear such a loud sound? Was it really only in my mind? Have I gone mad? 16 July 2009 I'm getting extremely pressured. Everywhere I go, they'd be voices following me. They called my name out; "Lulu! Lulu!" but when I turned around, nobody was there! There was also another incident happened in the living room. When I was laying on the couch, the mug that I put on the coffee table at once floated out of nowhere. It stayed in the air for a half second, and plummeted right on the table. The mug shattered into pieces and the juice inside it spilled to the table and it rivered on the floor. Making flashbacks of these incidents tire me. I don't know what to do about it anymore since I don't bother telling mother. She wouldn't believe me at the end of the day. You know what, diary? Maybe I really have gone mad. 20 July 2009 I can't seem to find an end of my arguments with mother. She keeps on scolding me on how I should stop acting like a child and overreacting over everything small. I know I had to tell someone about this or I will harm myself with the stress. Knowing that I can't tell Lola because she's only six, I decided to tell Dean- my one and only love. After telling him everything I faced, Dean told me to move in to his place so we can live happily ever after. As soon as he suggested, I absolutely agreed with his idea. Though when I think about it, leaving the house means leaving Lola and I will definitely miss her. She's been the best sister I've ever had (I only have one, to begin with). Plus, it's so sad how she's too young to process all this. I hope one day when she grows older, she will understand everything. 23 July 2009 I moved out to Dean's house last night. But the episode was too gloomy for me to remember. It was night when I decided to leave. First, I took my money-box with me and left my rag-doll that I don't play with anymore in my bed. I also wrote a goodbye letter to mother as I want her to know how I feel inside. The letter went like this: "Mother, I'm sorry that I have to leave everything behind. You have been toxic towards me and I can't take this anymore. When I said I heard the growling sound, you didn't believe me. When I said I saw the table shaking, you said I was crazy. And when I introduced you to Dean, you assumed I made an imaginary boyfriend. You convinced yourself that I was making things up to gain your attention when you're stressing out over work. You know what? I don't care about your damn attention anymore. I don't care if everything I see and hear were unreal. What I know is I got Dean with me and he will never treat me like how you do." Before placing the letter on the coffee table, I stopped at Lola's room. She was sleeping peacefully like an angel. God knows how much and love her and want her to grow up as a wonderful woman who can take care of mother. As I left the letter on the table and opened the front door, I heard a footstep stopped behind me. Then I heard voice coming from behind me. "Where are you going with all the baggages?" It was the voice of mother's. I stood there still without turning around. "I'm moving out," I replied softly. "What do you think you're doing? Off to your room now!" Even though I didn't her face, I could feel mother's anger aroused. "You can't stop, mum!" As I said in the letter, I don't care anymore. As I slammed the door and stormed off, I started mother's car and drove away. At last, I had it unpuzzled and it all made sense now. The diary was a blast from the past to my memory. Visions from the past crowded my brain as I read the last entry and my chest was filled with overwhelming emotions that I remotely suffocated. The night when Lulu ran away, I was awaken due to clamorous voices I heard. Owing to my narcolepsy, I could not help myself but to fall back to sleep. Tomorrow morning, when the sun woke me up, I went to Lulu's bedroom. It was so off-centre to experience the emptiness in Lulu room. I knew for a fact that Lulu regularly left her bedroom to go to school. Nonetheless, this time the room felt vacant as if Lulu's soul left the room to follow wherever she went. I inspected her room to notice that the window was wide opened with the curtain flapping like a flag, Her money-box that she used to share with me disappeared and the old rag-doll from her childhood somehow laid soullessly in Lulu's bed. Sadly, every time I asked mother over what had happened, she never admitted the actual circumstance. While I was busy mooning, a bell blared through the entire school and my mind went back to reality. It happened to be recess time already and I had been in the restroom for quite a period of time. I swiftly headed to the cafeteria to meet Casey and Alice. For the time I read there, the two girls gave me an astonished look. "What got you so long? Did the devil catch you in the toilet?" Asked Casey. "No, I just had a... Constipation," a small white lie did not harm anyone. "What did you eat yesterday? You better eat something before it gets worse," I could see Alice's fret in her eyes. "Yeah... Sure." "You seem quiet today. Is everything okay?" Though Casey could be brutally plain-speaking, she was as well a kindly concerned friend. "For sure. I just don't feel well," I did not lie this time. Reading Lulu's book mentally drained me. I lived the rest of the day dwelling on my past and brooding on my future. "What should I do when I know what has happened to Lulu?" I questioned myself time after time until I fell in slumber on my pillow. TO BE CONTINUED
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